Wednesday, January 29, 2014

BFFs are the best - oh how I miss thee

The title says it all, I miss my BFF. We're 8 hours apart.

She just had a new baby in October so she's off on mat leave, we don't talk like we used to. I'm off on medical leave, we don't talk like we used to.

When we were BOTH working we would talk to each other on the way TO work and the way FROM work - it was our routine. Now it's like we're too ships passing in the night, we know the other is there but there's little to no communication - maybe a toot but thats about it.

When we do finally get a chance to have a telephone conversation it's interrupted by the many ppl around this house, or the new baby who demands her mama's attn (I understand but it's difficult) - I just want our friendship back the way it was. I guess I need to get used to this new normal. It's now forever changed.

I went home in December, I got to see her but not like we usually do. Whenever I get to town it's expected that we see each other frequently. She's like my sister. We've known each other a decade. She's been around to see my son grow into a teenager and all the difficulties I've faced with his son of a bith father - she's seen me fall in love with my husband, get pregnant, have complication and face the idea that she may be born premature - she wasn't there when my daughter was born and I mourned for that. I wanted her there but we had moved by then. We figured that little tyke was going to be premature and if she was it would be better to be by the children's hospital. Well we moved and we never went back. It's safer for us to live where we are. But boy do I miss her. I wasn't able to see her daughter be born either. I mourned that as well but we couldn't do it.... well we made it there 4 days afterwards at least.

She's come to visit me a couple of times. We're trying to arrange sometime for her to come here in the near future. It's difficult though because I'm going to be returning to work and with clinicals and school work it makes it difficult.

Also my husband and her don't always see eye to eye. She doesn't sugar coat anything when she talks to or about him and he doesn't like that. It's hard to have a BFF who your husband doesn't like anymore. He's very critical about her when he shouldn't be (IMO) - she deserves more respect than he gives her. I tell him this but it just upsets him. I think he's a bit jealous when it comes to her - he doesn't like that I keep no secrets from her and that I tell her everything. I think he feels that that sort of relationship should only be me and him.

Her and I talked yesterday for an hour and a half, it was wonderful. I missed it. I miss her. I've always told her she's like my soul mate - she thinks the same of me. She has stuck with me through nursing school - when others gave her ultimatums - pick her or us - she picked me. It says alot about a person who will do that. According to her she would rather lose many and have a special connection with someone than to choose many and lose it. We do have a special connection. We love each other - we're sisters.

She lost her dad two years ago. I was at work when she called me to tell me. I raced home to be with her. She was devastated. I wasn't extremely close with her family (she's much closer to mine) but we knew each other. I cried for her. I cried because I could see this devastated my BFF. She lost her daddy in the blink of an eye without any warning. One minute he was here the next he wasn't. She was forever changed. I cry now just thinking back to that day. I remember crying at work in front of everyone as I told my charge nurse that my BFF's dad had died and that I needed to leave. They understood. I left. I went home and immediately packed my bags and off I drove 8 hours to be with her. She needed me, she needed my shoulder to cry on. When we saw each other all we did was cry. She had lost her hero. I didn't know what to do for her but I knew that all that mattered to her was that I was there. She was lost for a while after that. She tried to be on a brave face but I could always tell what was just beneath the surface. It took time for her to recover, for her to get a foot on solid ground. I was there for her whenever she needed me, I was only a phone call away. At a moments notice she could reach out and know that someone had her back and an ear to listen. She's always been there for me when I've needed the same. That's what BFFs are for right?!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Ethics suck and volunteering for it

Taking an ethics course this semester along with the mental health course - two weeks in and three quizzes down and I'm batting like 60% - goodness gracious this sucks.

The friggin quizzes are FUCKING HARD!!!! Who the hell makes 5 pt quizzes for godamn hard???!!! (rhetorical question BTW)

Unfortunately this course also requires for me to do volunteering - AND link it to ethics. Easier said than done. The one place that agreed to take me is a community child care center.... how do I link THAT to ethics???!!! In the proposal I totally bullshitted - said that there was a chance that I could see child abuse (ya right) and the teacher seemed to buy it cuz she approved it. Meh, works for me! At least it's only 10 hours - easy to get it over with.

The course has me do 2 significant themed papers - I was given:
1. Should it be legal for people to buy organs for transplant
2. Should vaccination for HPV be mandated for teenage girls

I selected #1 and the teacher gave me #2 - they shouldn't be too hard, especially considering the HPV one has been in the news for like the last 2 years. And the other one has had plenty of information spread about the ethical issues associated with it.

On a completely unrelated subject....

Went to see the surgeon yesterday. Day was hell from the beginning! Forgot to start the car early because hubby required that I call 5 different places trying to get a hold of ppl so that I can placements at a hospital for the upcoming semesters and so FREEZING cold car....

Get in the car only to find out that my in laws used the car the day before and left ONE bar of gasoline so I wouldn't have been able to start the car anyways - AND I was already running behind schedule for the Dr's appt and now I had to go get gasoline - increase already high irritation

Followed my BIL out of the house and to the closest intersection where I was directly behind him going through it and he slid around the turn and blocked the entire road and go figure so did I, directly into his car. AGGGGHHHH. Now a fucking accident to boot. Minimal damage to both vehicles (as far as we can tell) so off I go on my way....

To then drive 25 KM per hour all the way to my hospital (that's where the Dr's appt was) - so it takes me OVER an hour to get there going at that speed. Which makes me even later for my appt. I was smart enough tho to call ahead and let them know.

Finally make it there and I forget to get the documentation for OC health for the surgeon to fill out so while he's in the room I let him know that they're being jerks and tell him that they have told me that I have to ONLY get him to fill it out so I have to grab it for him to fill out. So off I go to get it and return for him to sign off on it, which he does easily. He had a hard time understanding that they haven't let me go back to work. Ya well me neither!!!

Only 3 more weeks til I start back. I can't wait to get back in the groove.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Much better than I thought

I took my first quiz for my mental health course - the one course that I am intimidated by...

and got 90%!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Friday, January 24, 2014

Can't get more than 73%


I'm soooooooo incredibly frustrated ATM - one of my courses requires us to take quizzes and get more than 80% on them - rationale is that if we can get 80% then we should  will be able to pass the NCLEX when we go to take it.

I've taken this test twice now (we can take it as many times as we want til we get >80%) - I originally got 73% then second time I DROPPED!!!!  WTF??!!!

Unfortunately, this stupid program doesn't tell you WHICH questions you get wrong just a general area that you need to improve upon and where to find (somewhat) the answer. Problem is is that they're asking questions that we haven't even studied - though some of them have been covered in pharmacology - and some of them I know from the previous BSN attempt.

Hell I even went back to the ONLINE text and tried to figure out where I was going wrong.... and to the TEXT BOOK - trying to figure out where I went wrong. I mean, I WANT to learn from my mistakes and FIX them.... it's not even about getting a better grade (though that would be nice!) I just want to learn where I'm going wrong and correct that shit.

Goddamn I hate psych!!! RRRRRGGGGGGG fucking banee of my existance - honestly!

How can ANYONE on this earth actually enjoy this shit?! I understand that regardless of where I settle for my nursing career that there will |ALWAYS be some element of psych (patients or the families) but geeze I would rather feign ignorance then have to deal with full blown psych issues. I guess that's part of the reason why I want to go to the NICU - general rule of thumb is that families are only allowed to visit for small chunks of time and therefore less interactins - therefore most of my issues deal with the infants themselves and they don't have psych issues (withdrawl maybe but that's something else entirely).


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Dr's visit was interesting

Went to the Dr's today - needed my morphine prescription (need it when the surgeon tightens the seton) since the surgeon won't (says that's my gen physician's responsibility). Got that done.

Interesting part came when I asked if he could print out the form when he okay'd me to go back to work. I thought it was the end of Nov/beginning of Dec.... turns out it was Nov 11th! If I win my appeal it means that I could be looking at getting more money. Yay. Now I really don't understand WHY the hospital couldn't make an appt to see me regarding disciplinary action. Makes me more frustrated about the entire thing.

I can't wait til Thurs - a couple of my girlfriend's and I are getting together for dinner. It's always fun times when we hang. None of us are in the same field so when we talk to each other it makes it a bit more interesting because none of us really know much of what the other person does. Plus I haven't seen one of the girls in almost a year and the other (who said she's coming but I'll believe it when I see it) one I haven't seen in 2 years. It'll be nice to get together and catch up. Plus we're going to the new restaurant in the city so it should be yummy. I'm really looking forward to it.

Kinda in a funk

Can't really explain it - feeling kinda blah lately. The motivation has completely tanked and I'm only in week 3 of school. Holy shit I need to pull it together.

Tonight I did my schedule calendar for school - trying to get it put up so that I can TRY to be on top of things.

My one teacher has laid it all out for us nice and neat - at least we can work ahead in readings if we are so inclined because she's great that way.

The other teacher - nursing course of course - won't go more than a week in advance - hell this week he only released this week's readings on the start date of the week. This puts a MAJOR crunch on me because my ADHD kicks in whenever it wants (like right now) and I KNOW that I'm going to fall behind on the readings and THEN where will I be when it comes to quiz time (such as at the end of this week) when I am not up to date with the readings and won't know my information which = a bad grade. ERGGGG

I even posted in the discussion area that it would be in our (students) best interest if he would release the readings and such more in advance than what he is currently doing because at least then students like me won't get behind in readings. But to no avail... he said no. Asshole IMO.

Thinking about forwarding my disability information to them so that I can get the information in advance. Don't know how much good it will do me though. Any thoughts on this anyone?

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Verdict completely over the top

So the verdict is in - 10 work day suspension.

My union rep agrees that it's over the top and excessive so we're appealing their decision.

Because of my schedule and the fact that I'm part time and I can ONLY work weekends due to my medical stuff, I don't work now until the middle of February.

Their reasons are retarded such as me not telling them I was going to school - well it's not like they said ANYWHERE or ANYTIME that I had to! IMO it wasn't their business. I still feel that way.

I only went to "clinical" when I was feeling ok medically and I only went twice - that doesn't mean that I could perform my "usual duties" as would be expected if I returned back to work. Even modified duties wouldn't be appropriate. What if I needed to completely get off my butt, it's not like I would be able to find a couch somewhere or crawl onto a stretcher to get off my butt.

The only good thing that comes out of this situation is that it gives hubby another month to find a vehicle that we are both happy with. I thought he had already settled on something then he turns around and changes his mind so we're back at square one.

A bummers is that the appeal process is going to take a long time - union rep told me not to expect a meeting for at least 6 months. I guess I'll be focused on school then.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

head in the sand

This union thing is really stressing me out. Unfortunately the way I cope is by putting my head in the sand (more my bed actually) - not sure it's healthy - wanna weigh in?!

My meeting is thursday at 1430 - goodness I hope I don't get ransacked again, it really sucked the first time. I don't want to break down in tears again. Did so because I was so frustrated and irritated with the continuous questioning.... over and over about clinical. They couldn't understand how I had to complete 40hrs of clinical but that it didn't have to be on pts and that I could prove my assessment skills by answering questions. Does that make any sense to you peeps?! My union rep seemed to understand the FIRST time I explained it but the FOUR other inqizitionors couldn't seem to understand it - over and over - around and around. Goodness gracious. I felt so foolish for crying but I couldn't help it. Any suggestions on how in the world I can stop from crying in front of these people - they seem to hold the key to my employment.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Down a point

I tried to complete all my readings. Doing so by pulling all nighters, literally. Staying up from approx. 9pm to approx. 6am doing as much reading and writing as I could manage. The unfortunate thing is is that I lost track of dates. Subsequently I lost track of my days and so tonight when I was doing my work, I happened to move my cursor over the date and realized it was monday morning already.


The thing with one of my courses is that we have a weekly discussion posting - but this week we had an additional one (one I forgot about) and so I did it late. That means that instead of getting full points I get docked one... and that point can be uber important when we're talking about degree points.

I'm going to have to make sure I pay more attention!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

My hospital hates me

Life just got a bit crazier (or shitty which ever term you choose to use) 

I went for a return to work meeting today (finally feeling well enough to go back - tho I've been ready since the beginning of Dec)... and was bombarded with the fact that I since I was going to clinical (which I went to twice in the semester to prove my skills) that that was against my being off for medical reasons. 

The only bright spot is at least my union rep sees it the way I do - that I was going by my medical which does not indicate that I couldn't attend clinical or drive - but that I couldn't work. They couldn't understand how you could be required to fulfill 40 hrs of clinical time but that you didn't have to do it in a clinical setting. 

So they suspended me.... which means not returning to work. I don't know how I'm expected to pay for school if I don't have an income coming into the house.... I have to pay absurdly high rates - like $5,000 per semester (seriously). I started crying during the meeting - couldn't quite help it - bit of frustration and because I was sideswiped with this crap. I mean, it's not like I put it on facebook or anything. 

Sure I put it up on my blog - but that tells me where in the world someone visits my blog (I love when someone visits!) and no one from my province has visited my blog. So I don't know how in the world they even found out that I was doing "clinicals". Unforunately my union rep said that I had to be completely open and honest and deal with the repercussions and then grieve the entire mess.

Don't know what I'm going to do about this all. Don't know what I can other than grin and bear it - lean apon friends and family, etc...

Next week we have another meeting - giving them time enough to "investigate" this entire mess. I gave them the number to contact my clinical preceptor to "back up" my information indicating that I was simply observing her during pt times and answering questions to prove my own ability to assess. We'll see how this works out.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Batshit crazy courses

School courses have started full force and let me tell you, I am NOT sure that I can complete all the required reading for ONE course, let alone two!

My mental health course requires me to read FOURTEEN chapters!!! How the HELL does anyone complete this AND work full time?! And next week doesn't look like there will be less readings unfortunately. Also, this course isn't going to be open book, which means that I need to know my shit and study, study, study. As it is I HATE (yes a very strong word but that's how strongly I feel about it) mental health - bane of my nursing school responsiblities.

My healthcare ethics course requires that I read only 4 chapters so that's definately more managable.

However when you combine them and then add the fact that 3 of my books haven't come in yet - that makes me INCREDIBLY nervous!

Aside from school..... is that I may actually get back to work in the very near future. Tomorrow is my meeting with my manager and union rep. So I will know tomorrow when my return will be. I'm so excited!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Going to the union - wish me luck!!!

I'm so frustrated with my hospital. I want to scream at them. Why the hell is it so difficult to go back to work when you actually want to?! Usually OC health are fighting with YOU to go back. I emailed them, called them and they aren't returning anything.

Now I'm getting ahold of my union to see if someone will get a hold of me and tell me WHY I can't go back to work.

And I had damn well better get paid for all this time off. I'm not getting ANY money sitting on my broken ass so someone had better pay me for all this.

And bring me some money!

I will be now emailing and calling my union ppl to try to see if things can get done; I don't know what more I can do other than actually driving to my hospital and expecting them to talk to me in person - and let me tell you that if this union rep doesn't get something done by wednesday, that's exactly what I will be doing!

Maybe not me personally, but it will be ME who gets them invovlved to get me working again!
I totally expected that I would be working by now, especially since I've been cleared by medical for so long now.... wish me luck!