My abuse story - part 1

Because of a blog-o-sphere friend’s struggle with abuse and sexual assault I’ve been thinking about this topic quite a bit and came to the conclusion that because of her ability to be so forthcoming about what she’s gone through I think it’s important for any women who’ve gone through these things should speak up so that others who have, know that they’re not alone. Also – for everyone to realize that anyone – regardless of whether you feel like you’re a strong person with high self-esteem or someone who struggles with this – can be manipulated and controlled and abused.

I was only a teenager when I was sexually assaulted – a guy thought he had the right to my body against my wishes. Who did things to me and made me feel like it was my fault that it happened because I was “too sexy” and I “teased” him and because we were “dating” that that gave him the right to touch my body however he liked. I was young (I think 15 or 16) and naïve – it’s not like my mom had had conversations with me about what to do if this sort of thing happened. Plus I have a VERY poor relationship with my mom and didn’t feel like I could broach topics with her – she was very NOT available! Hell, I asked her to go to counselling with me when I was 16 and she told me that she wouldn’t. She was a terrible communicator.

I was lucky in that I wasn’t raped so I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant. But this thing didn’t help my self-esteem. I didn’t feel worthy and I felt dirty after these things happened.

Move a year ahead and I was fed up with the lack of attention and communication from my parents. I was an angry teenager. I thought I was “lucky” when I started dating the person who has been the bane of my existence ever since.

When we began dating I learned that he was “two-timing” me – that he was seeing another girl (one with whom I had a casual acquaintance with and whom my uncle knew and was quite close to as he worked with her dad) and I found this out from my uncle. I was naturally pissed but he was so “charming” that somehow he manipulated the situation and made it seem like he had recently cut it off with the other girl because he liked me more. At the time this pleased me – when instead it should have set off red flags.

Little by little this person infiltrated every aspect of my life. He would pick me up from high school and bring me home or we would go to his parents place and would drop me off at home afterwards. He would also drive me to work and pick me up after. At the time I thought this was awesome because it meant I didn’t have to take the school bus home or public transportation from his parent’s house. Afterwards I realized that he did this so that he could control this part of my life as well. That I became dependent on him for transportation.

Little by little he began to control when it was “ok” to see friends, who I could be with and for how long, etc… Before long the only time I could see my friends was when I was at school. In the moment I didn’t even realize it was happening – that my circle was getting smaller and smaller.

About the same time that this happened I moved out on my own – I was done with what/how my mom (in particular) treated me. And of course this person then used this to manipulate and control me by using money. Because he made more than I did per hour, he thought that I had to put up with what he would say and do. When I would make him angry (because frankly I have a loud mouth and usually tell it like it is) he would put his hands on me – he would choke me, he would push me, he would scream at me – he would belittle me and make me feel like I wasn’t worthy of having anyone’s love. He would use the fact that I had very little parental support or their attention to support his claims. That hell, if they wanted little to do with me (and they’re supposed to love me unconditionally) why would I think that I was worthy of love, support and attention from anyone else?!

I began to internalize these messages to think that I deserved this somehow. That my parents didn’t want me and therefore I was only worth the crappy attention that he was showering me with. That how he treated me was fair and deserved. He took what he wanted (physically) when he wanted. I had no control over this. I couldn’t tell you how many times he raped me. But he always made it seem like he had every right to do so. I also didn’t feel like I could do any better. I tried to take precautions to prevent pregnancy – that is the only thing I felt like I could control. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to end everything but I knew that it was important that I prevent pregnancy at least.

Unfortunately that last bit happened anyways. I couldn’t abort – I don’t think I could live with that decision. Adoption was something that didn’t seem feasible either. Also – he was pressuring me to keep the baby. He made it seem like keeping the baby was the only choice. However, he would also yell and scream at me saying I was to blame for getting pregnant. That I only wanted his money – that I got pregnant on purpose. By the time I was half way through we had moved in together and were married.

He abused me all through that pregnancy. I hoped that I would miscarry. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. I was so miserable that I gained 68 lbs and the upside of that is that I was no longer smaller and weaker than this other person…. It made it more difficult to abuse me – I started to stand up to him. I wouldn’t let him push me around anymore. I gave birth to a 9.1 lb baby and I couldn’t have been more afraid of this person in my life. Now it was real – I had another little person that I was responsible for their safety for.

Regardless of the fact that this little person was his son, he still abused me while I was holding him in my arms - all because I had made plans with my friend to go to a movie - a TWO HOUR MOVIE! He choked me, pushed me, hit and kicked me - all while I was holding a 4 month old. I was scared for my son's safety - I knew that if he was willing and going to hit me while this little innocent person, then he was only one step away from abusing this little person. THAT I wasn't willing to let happenand so I called 9-1-1.